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All-Beef Patty 70 Percent Beef
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Yngwie Malmsteen Officially Changes Middle Name To 'Fucking'
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Man In Suit Breaks Into Brief, Feminine Run
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Paramedic Gets To Second
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News In Brief
IOC: Many Viewers May Be Using Olympics-Enhancing Drugs
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA-- The International Olympic Committee announced Monday that
it will launch a full-scale investigation in the wake of allegations of
Olympics-enhancing drug use by viewers. "We have reason to suspect that as
many as 18 million U.S. viewers are artificially increasing their ability to sit
through the Sydney Games with illegal substances, particularly marijuana,"
IOC president Juan Antonio Samaranch said. "These drugs enable viewers to
watch NBC Olympic coverage beyond the limits of normal human endurance."
Interest-boosting doping, Samaranch said, is particularly rampant among viewers
of archery, men's handball, and women's sailing.
'Farm Aid Aid' Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts
INDIANAPOLIS-- A special Farm Aid Aid concert will be held Oct. 3 in
Indianapolis to raise money for America's struggling Farm Aid concerts, event
organizer Willie Nelson announced Monday. "Fifteen years ago, our nation's
Farm Aid concerts were thriving, with millions of Americans flocking to see such
artists as John Mellencamp, Neil Young, and myself," Nelson said. "But
today, with ticket sales dwindling and subsidies nonexistent, countless
hard-working Farm Aid promoters have been forced to foreclose on bookings in
amphitheaters one-tenth the size of the stadiums they once filled."
Grandma Pulls Pudding Roll-Ups From Recesses Of Cupboard
SHIVELY, KY-- Searching for a treat for her 12-year-old grandchild, Edna Leigh
retrieved a dusty, faded box of circa-1988 Betty Crocker-brand Pudding Roll-Ups
from the darkest recesses of her kitchen cupboard Monday. "Here you
go," said Leigh, handing grandson Danny Meyers the long-discontinued snack
item. "You like pudding, right?" To wash down the fossilized Roll-Ups,
Leigh offered Meyers some Crystal Pepsi from the garage.
Cool Ashtray Found
HAMTRAMCK, MI-- An afternoon trip to the Joseph Campau Street St. Vincent's
thrift shop netted a cool ashtray Tuesday. "Dude, it totally looks like it
would have been on Dean Martin's coffee table," discoverer Marc Reiss told
friend Scott Ratner. "It's green ceramic and triangular, and it's
huge." The ashtray's most perfect detail, Reiss said, which more than
justifies its $2 purchase price, is a raised center featuring a full 12 cigarette
notches.
First Draft Of Paper Inadvertently Becomes Final Draft
EUGENE, OR-- The first draft of an English 140 paper by University of Oregon
sophomore Mindy Blain ultimately became the final draft, Blain reported Monday.
"I was gonna keep working on it and add a bunch of stuff about how the guy
who wrote [The Great Gatsby] was affected by a lot of the stuff going on
around him," she said. "But then I was like, fuck it." Blain said
she spent the time that would have been devoted to a revision watching
Friends in her dorm's TV lounge.
Bathroom Smells Like Shit
GALENA PARK, TX-- The second-floor men's room of a Sysco Vending office
building smells like shit, disgusted employee Art McCune reported Tuesday.
"Jesus Christ, it smells like actual human feces in here," McCune said.
"I'm serious--it's like someone walked in, dropped his pants and underwear,
straddled a bowl, excreted nearly a pound of fecal matter out of his anus, and
then walked right out again." Building custodian Byron Withers apologized
for the foul odor, assuring Sysco staffers that by the following morning, the
bathroom would be back to smelling like bleach.
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Top Story
Gore Wondering If Latest Doonesbury Is About Him
WASHINGTON, DC-- With his lead in presidential polls narrowing to just four
points over Republican challenger George W. Bush, an already anxious Al Gore
wondered aloud Monday whether the latest Doonesbury is about him.
Full Text »
In The News
Onion Special Report
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Man Ashamed Of Own Joy Upon Receiving New Mop Head
Graphic Designer's Judgment Clouded By Desire To Use New Photoshop Plug-In
Editorial
A Message From The Publisher
Screw Charity!
I Just Love The New Channel 29 News At Noon Set
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